Thursday, March 09, 2006

Sort of rambling and totally not thinking this through...just writing what's on my mind.

Everyone's negativity (mostly my own) is starting to get me thinking. For the most part, I believe that thinking negatively or thinking positively is a choice. I definitely believe that there are people out there who have less control over that choice, where one thing can start a snowball effect because, for whatever reason, their body was not given adequate coping mechanisms. I know people like that, and what I'm saying here does not apply to them. This is also not some Tom Cruise-esque, take vitamins and exercise and everything will be alright rant. It's just a "most people have the power to control their own destiny to the extent that it effects their emotional well-being" thingie.

I cannot speak for the world at-large, but I believe that Americans specifically are trained to think that life is supposed to be good and easy at all times, and that if it's not, you're doing something wrong and you should be medicated to bring you back to a place where things are good and easy. And I don't necessarily agree with that philosophy. I believe that life brings us challenges so that we can learn and grow from them. And things are not always going to go your way. And you need to learn to cope with that, whatever way you can. And sometimes really shitty things are going to happen to really good people, without warning or explanation. But, for the most part, people are built to recover from really shitty things. I personally feel that you need to do your best to take care of your body and your mind and take life as it comes.

I feel like I'm constantly listening to people who are unhappy in their jobs. If you are a person who is truly unhappy with your line of work, let me lay out your options for you: find a new job (easier said than done? yes, but completely possible nonetheless) OR keep your current job and take into account the lifestyle it affords you. Do you have a roof over your head? Are you able to pay your bills? Do you have freetime outside of work to pursue things that do make you happy? Do you have money to pursue those things? Maybe it's a matter of switching your focus from what it is about your job that you find unfulfilling to what you can do outside of work to find the fulfillment. But, if you hate your job and you're there ALL THE TIME, or, you don't make enough money to do anything outside of work other than worry about money, you really don't have options. You need to get a new job.

This is something that I have thought about lots and lots since having a baby and switching gears. At some point do I want to pursue a dream job? This dream job, which may or may not exist, by the way, will undoubtedly require a lot of time and effort on my part to get and maintain. OR, do I want to work a job--any job--which allows me to spend time with my family and pursue hobbies outside of work. It's totally possible that it's easy for me to think this way because I have existing "hobbies" and they include fine arts, which is not an area that I ever expect to be able to make a career out of (but wouldn't it be cool if I could?).

Right now, I feel I'm at a cross-roads. Chris and I are pretty much at a point where our only options are to increse the in-come or decrease the out-go. We've done a lot of the latter, but it's still tough. It's a daily struggle for me to decide what I'm willing to do without in order to keep Eric out of daycare (not because I think daycare is inherently evil, but because, since I've been home with him this long, it just tears me up to think about not being with him every day). I know first hand that it's hard to keep a positive outlook when it seems that the only way things can possibly get better in one area is by making them worse in another area.

What is my point with all this? I don't know. But I needed to get it off my chest. Life is a crap shoot. You never know what tomorrow might bring. You might win the lottery. You might get hit by a bus. Do you want to spend what is potentially your last day on earth drowning in negativity?


Heidi said...

YES YES YES!! I agree with you 100%. This has always been my mindset when it comes to attitudes about life (even though I don't always practice what I preach). My own negativity as of late has mosly been caused by stress. I am stressed out because of my Takayasu's relapse and the pain it's causing me. Plus, there are personal issues that have been coming to light at exactly the same time. If it were one or the other, I think I'd be able to deal better and have a more positive attitude. But basically, I only feel negative when I let myself feel that way. It is harder right now than it has been in a long time for me to be happy (or positive anyway), but I can accomplish that if I manage to occupy myself and my mind with things I enjoy. For me, it's all about getting back to basics to find peace. I think of something I enjoyed doing, maybe, ten years ago that I haven't done in a long time, and I do that. For example, tonight I am going to go home and pick up a charcoal drawing I started about 3 years ago (Karol's wedding gift -- Oops!) and resume work on that. Art therapy! Ha! :)

p.s. I think I may have lost the point of this comment about half-way through. I just write and write and can't stop ...

Heidi said...

And I've been meaning to tell you just how happy it makes me to see the little blurb in your "about me" thingie that says you feel bad for less loved stuffed animals and clothes that don't get worn much anymore. I thought I was the only one!!! :)