This is a Public Service Announcement to let you know that your friend Kristi has gone off the deep end. Now, I suspect that some of you might falsely believe that I went off the deep end long ago. Perhaps when you saw me performing interpretive dance purely for my own amusement, you thought, "Wow, she's really lost it." Or maybe it was the time that I woke you up in the middle of the night by reciting Steve Martin's Holiday Wish to you and laughing maniacally that made you think I had a screw loose. Maybe you thought it happened when I came home with the knee-high, pleather snake skin boots, but I'm telling you, that was just a seriously ill-advised fashion choice! Now, I'm sure I could go on for a good while longer, but I have to tell you that most of that is just due to good old fashioned quirkyness. This time is different. I'm telling you that I have really gone off the deep end.
I need you to know about the newest member of my family (notice I didn't say "youngest"). His name is Spunky. Spunky the Funky Monkey to be exact. He came into my life when my dad purchased him for Eric on or about August 3, 2004. "Oh, what a cute stuffed monkey," you're probably thinking. But, I can't even really consider him a stuffed monkey anymore. He's more like a person in our house. Therein the problem lies. Let me tell you about the personality that we (yes, Chris has gone off the deep end with me) have created for Spunky. He has an extremely long and interesting resume, which makes it difficult to determine his age. It is relatively easy for even the untrained ear, however, to ascertain that some of Spunky's stories might be less than truthful, or exaggerated to say the least. Amazingly, both Chris and I are able to do a remarkably similar Spunky voice. It's raspy yet medium-to-high pitched. It tells the tale of years of hard-drinking. A wonderful companion for a child, no? Luckily the poor child is unable to understand the madness, but I do believe that the whole Spunky ordeal suggests years of embarrassment to come in Eric's life.
"So you have this former hard-drinking stuffed monkey of indeterminate age who has this voice--that's no so weird," you might be thinking. Well, it only gets worse from there. Would you like to know more about Spunky? Well, let me tell you the doozies we've come up with. Spunky used to be a stunt monkey--relatively famous, in fact. You might have seen him in such movies as Fight Club. Spunky was the stunt double for both Brad Pitt and Ed Norton. We figure this stunt training gives him a leg-up as a companion for a toddler boy who isn't walking, but already loves to throw himself face first onto the floor and then laugh hysterically.
Spunky is also very well traveled. In fact, after a paw injury precluded him from further professional stunt work, he backpacked across Europe until his settlement money ran out. Then he headed back to the states where he traveled by rail with the bums, taking sips of their whiskey in return for a little camaraderie. After nearly a year of this, he was found passed out, matted and disoriented. He was checked into a rehab where he cleaned up his act and entered a training program to become a Mentor Monkey. You see, that is how he ended up in our life.
Spunky comes from a long lineage of rhyming family members. Some members of the Spunky clan are: Spunky the Chunky Monkey, Spunky the Punky Monkey, Spunky the Clunky Monkey, Spunky the Bunky Monkey and the shunned Spunky the Junkie Monkey. You can tell by their qualifiers what their individual idiosyncrasies might be. If you're wondering how our Spunky got to be "funky," I believe it comes from his stellar dance moves. He used to be a professional dancer, you know. He knows Kevin Feder line personally, and he says that K-Fed is totally using Britney. Oh, Mr. Spunk Munk is also prone to stating the obvious as though it's a shocking revelation. Spunky also has a few favorite sayings that he uses quite often. Some gems are, "You bet your ascot!" "That wasn't in my contract!" and, at bed and naptime, "Man, I'm really bushed!" And, speaking of Bushed, if you look at Spunky from the correct angle, there's a striking resemblance to our own George W. Seriously. Sometimes he gets called away by the Secret Service so that he can be a red herring for the president.
Well, if I have been unable to sway you thus far that I really am crazy, I'll now share with you perhaps the worst part of this whole story. While I'm at home during the day with Eric, I can hold entire conversations with Spunky, where I talk to him and then respond ALOUD in the raspy monkey voice. And these conversations are not for the benefit of Eric. Several times a day, I find myself wondering, WWSS (what would spunky say)? Spunky doesn't usually get to come out of the car when Eric and I go out, but on the rare occasion that he does, I really have to hold myself back from engaging him in conversation. The thing is, he's just so damn funny! You never know what he's going to say next (well, I do, but that's OK because it just sounds funnier in Spunky's voice).
Well, there you have it. I believe I might actually be certifiable, but given a history of weirdness, it kind of raises the threshold for what you might consider crazy from me. Luckily for me, if one of you so-called friends was to try to have me committed after reading this, I'm pretty sure I could call upon the old Catch 22 and be free from a life of straight jackets (for now, at least). So, please don't try to have me committed, but, I don't know, maybe call me every once in a while or something.
P.S. Is Spunky just dying to add his input in this letter? You bet your ascot!