Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Most likely, if you're reading this, you already know I'm a horrible person.

An email went around my office this afternoon alerting us to the fact that the company will be purchasing a defibrillator for the office, and will offer a free four-hour training course to those who are interested in learning to use it. Apparently, there was a very positive response from my fellow co-workers (note to self: feel free to let your heart stop at work--they will know how to fix it). I, personally, have absolutely no interest in learning how to perform defibrillatio on my co-workers, or anybody for that matter. Does that make me horrible?

I simply am not cut out for administering first aid. There are plenty of things I'm good at; suturing, e.g., is not one of them. I'm fine with this. But sometimes I feel like, if I'm ever in a situation where first aid training would come in handy, I will kick myself! But then I realize, if I were in a situation where first aid training would come in handy, I will likely pass out or flail about dramatically long before I am able to pass on any useful knowledge I may have.

So, keep this in mind, dear friends. If it is your desire to have a medically helpful friend with you at all times, DO NOT CHOOSE ME AS THAT PERSON. I'm the friend you call if, say, you have a math problem that is eating away at you. Or you need to know the lyrics to any song written between 1972 and 1999. Or you need to know how to say, "Where is the chalk?" in Spanish. Or if you need directions from there to somewhere else. I'm really good at that stuff. Just please, oh please, whatever you do, do not so much as get a paper cut in my presence because I will be forced to leave you there to die.

And I wouldn't want it to come to that because I like you. I really do.


Anonymous said...

We love u Kristi!

Can you solve a math problem for me please--what's the equation showing the relationship between the square of a and (a + 1)? Please subtract a parallelogram or one rhombus therefrom, if you don't mind.

Kristi said...

Um. OK. [(a + 1)^2 - a^2] - (rhombus) = (2a + 1) - (rhombus)

There. See what you made me do? Are you happy now, anonymous??

Anonymous said...

A four hour course? It must include CPR. If you are the last man standing with the defibrillator here is what you do

1.Take it off the wall
2.Turn on the power
3.Rip open the person's shirt
4.Attach the two pads - there is a diagram on them that shows where. For very small children put one on their back and one on their front.
5. Make sure you and anyone else is not touching the person.
6. Press the zap button

That's all there is to it! But it may have to be used with rescue breathing and that is a whole other story. Personally, I like to know things like this so that I can go around ripping off people's shirts and trying to suck their face.