What's your sign?

I had a thought this morning regarding feeling like you're on the right path, knowing your calling, receiving "signs" from the universe that you're headed in the right direction, etc. I read a book recently where people explained the various ways deceased relatives still communicated with them via signs. I've read other stories about people who found their way into their current job because they knew it was their calling. For some reason, these type of topics have always fascinated me. I hang on these types of stories and want to believe them and yet I'm still kind of a skeptic. I don't have much experience with signs personally, but then again, maybe I do but don't allow myself to believe. 

My thought this morning was this: do some people receive these signs, know their calling, accept feelings of affirmation, etc., simply because they allow themselves to believe these things are true? Is that all there is to it? Could it be that simple? Meanwhile, I'm sitting over here with my brain screaming about science and confirmation bias and all the things that would point to these things simply being coincidental? My brain is always asking, "How do you know? Like, how do you REALLY know?"

I guess I've always had an obsession with doing the "right" things in the "right" way. See, my brain has been on autopilot for decades: do something right, get affirmed...over and over again. But who is the arbitrator of what's "right"? Teachers, bosses, parents, friends, some mystical "they"? I've been uncoupling myself from the idea that any of those people know any better than I do what's "right" for me, but it's an uncomfortable process.  And my thought this morning was that people who believe in signs are just people who choose to believe that they themselves are in charge of determining what's right for them.

So, here's an example from life currently. We have been talking about getting a kitten for some time. Just kind of tossing the idea around, not acting on it. We have a cat - we adopted her when she was 4. I haven't had a kitten since I was child, and, frankly, the idea of training a cat through kittenhood is a little scary. And yet, part of me still wants one. But do I really want to rock the world of my other cat? No! But also: kittens! 

A few months ago, my husband sent me a link to a livestream featuring kittens. Seven of them. All orange. Have I mentioned I love orange cats? When I do get a kitten, I want an orange kitten.  So, ever since I have been watching this kitten livestream, I have been seeing orange things in my life everywhere.  Do you have any idea how many orange cars are on the road? Previously, I would've said hardly any. But now I know it's a lot. I also found a chunk of orange sea glass on the beach: a rare find, indeed! 

"The universe keeps sending me orange things," I told my husband. "Maybe it wants me to just get an orange cat already. Ahahahaha!" So, I keep going along, seeing the orange things, telling myself, "Now I'm just looking for orange things and of course that's why I'm seeing them."  Then, a couple days ago, I pulled up behind a truck with a cartoon cat on the back who was holding a sign with the words, "There's a new cat in town." So, here's my question - are there people out there who would see all these things and simply accept them as being a sign, whereas I'm like, "Now this is too funny - it seems like a sign. I mean, it's literally a sign, but surely it's not a sign sign. I'm just interpreting it to have more meaning than it actually has because these things are already on my mind..."

I guess what I'm really asking is: am I crazy?? Do some people just accept things like this as signs and proceed accordingly? Is that all there is to it? I mean, this is a silly example, but I'm trying to understand if the only difference between me and them is a willingness to accept things and not endlessly question them.

Pandamnit!

Well, leave it to a global pandemic to go and mess things up! I didn't see that coming. Admittedly, I got derailed for a while there. I didn't keep taking care of myself the way I had been. I didn't keep up with the writing I had started doing. I started eating things I hadn't been eating. I gained back some weight. I let it mean some things about me. Then, I looked around and saw that lots of people were struggling and I cut myself some slack. After a couple months of moping, I slowly started to get my shit back together. It's still going slower than I like, but that's on me - a) for moving slowly, and b) for allowing the quiet voice to keep whispering, "you should probably be doing this a little faster." Shut up, voice. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm still moving and that's what matters.

My Roadmap to Change, Part 6 - You can't read the label from inside the bottle

I would be remiss not to mention one other person the Awesome with Alison podcast brought into my realm of awareness. I happened to listened to one of her episodes that was an interview with life coach Jody Moore.  I can't say enough about that episode - it was just what the doctor ordered.  Jody's message was pretty simple and yet full of lots of good info. But the overarching message was that we are all driven by the motive to feel good and stop feeling bad, and we can control how we feel by changing what we think. "You get to think anything you want," she said.  Mind blown. 

My Roadmap to Change, Part 5 - The Spring of Hope

After several months of infusing my commute with more motivational and empowering content, I was getting kind of bored with it. Maybe bored is not the right word - maybe I was more frustrated with my own unwillingness to do anything with it other than absorb it in the car on my way to and from work. I was already gaining back the weight I had lost. Maybe I was just kind of a loser after all, I would think. Maybe I don't have what it takes to make some big, meaningful changes in my life. After all, I need my job. I'm going to find a new one that is less stressful but pays better? Yeah, right. What are we going to do - just not pay our bills? It's time for a reality check, sister.

But then, after winter (or as I call it, "the long gray suck") passed, things started looking up again. I got back into it again. Eventually, from one of Rachel's podcasts, I discovered Alison Faulkner and her podcast, "Awesome with Alison."  Even though that podcast didn't become one of my staples, it was important in my journey because it pointed me in a couple new directions.  

First, in the first Awesome with Alison episode I happened to listen to, Alison described and praised The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown on Audible.  I had not previously read Brene Brown, but I had heard of her and was meaning to check her out. I downloaded that book (actually, it's more of a recorded lecture) on Audible and LOVED it. This also introduced me to the idea of adding audio books to my repertoire (if you're gathering that maybe I'm slow to adopt new technology, you may not be wrong).  

After that, I became slightly Brene Brown obsessed for a period of time. It turns out that not only did my local library have several of her books available on CD, but my car also happened to have a CD player that I wasn't even putting to good use!  So, I checked them out and listened to Brene Brown for days on end.  I personally highly recommend any of her books but I think I'm still partial to The Power of Vulnerability (or she's got a Netflix special now - The Call to Courage - if you're intrigued and not a reader/audiobooker).  I will add this disclaimer, though: I studied Speech Communication in college. I didn't end up there until my junior year, after a couple other failed majors.  My very favorite classes were in interpersonal communication, but at the time I was convinced there was nothing I could do with that without going for a Masters, which I was also convinced I wouldn't get accepted to, and even if I was, there was no way I could afford it. And even if I could get accepted and find a way to pay for it, my parents would want to know what I planned to do with a degree like that, and I wouldn't know what to tell them, exactly, except that it intrigued me and I wanted to explore it further. Brene Brown, and all her books, teachings, etc., could easily be part of the curriculum for a Masters in Speech Communication.  This is my jam.  I didn't even really remember that this was my jam.  Finding her reminded me of an interest I had in the past that I totally quashed because I convinced myself it was something only other people could do, but not me. It seemed that maybe this was a recurring theme in my life.

My Roadmap to Change, Part 4 - Rest Stop

I think it's important to note that I wouldn't have described myself as miserable, depressed, or even unhappy with my life as a whole.  There were things I loved about my life and, on balance, I counted myself as a pretty successful human. But, at the same time, part of me still felt like I was just going through the motions. Like I was doing things out of habit that I didn't even necessarily want to be doing. That I kept doing things that were very, very safe and I didn't do anything that was outside of my narrowly defined comfort zone.  I felt unsatisfied with myself in that regard - like I was letting myself off the hook. Like I was doing well but not necessarily living up to my full potential.  I note, though, two plus years into the journey that maybe this feeling always exists on some level.  I hardly consider myself "fully transformed" at this point, but my goal to take one step out of the rut has just been replaced by a new goal. Such is life.

My Roadmap to Change, Part 3 - The Highway

One thing that had previously always gotten in the way of me making any real efforts to change was my real or perceived lack of time in my schedule to fit in all the things you're supposed to do in order to become a better human being. As a wife, a mom to two kids and a full-time employee, I felt pretty short on time. For many years, I was also a member of an improv group that got me out of the house a night or two per week.  Taking additional time on top of that to work on myself more seemed, well, selfish.  Somehow, wasting hours on Facebook every night while sitting next to my kids or husband on the couch didn't seem selfish to me, but I digress.  For many years, I lived with the idea that unless I had alone time, I could not work on things that would improve my mood, morale, general well-being. Don't get me wrong - I did get alone time (and probably more than I even realized), but if I'm being honest, I squandered it.

One thing I did have going for me, though, was a 45-minute (give or take) each way commute to work. For years and years, I listened to the same radio station every morning on my way to work. By the fall of 2017, though, I had switched it up and was flipping between a handful of radio stations, talk radio, or listening to my Spotify playlists. When I first watched the Rachel Hollis video on Facebook, she mentioned that she did a weekly live stream that happened to take place during my commute.  I thought, "What the hell - I liked this video, maybe I'll tune in," and I made a note to check it out.  Turns out, she was funnier and less cheesy (maybe she's cheesy in the same way I'm cheesy) than a morning drive DJ. I started to tune in weekly or listen to older episodes I found on Facebook. Her show reminded me of the types of conversations I used to have with friends when we lived together in college - with a little bit of motivation mixed in.  She would randomly burst out into song.  She would talk about how she used to eat fast food every day and the steps she took to develop a healthy relationship with food and her body. She would talk about her pimple that was so big and pervasive that she named it Steve. She would mention her podcast and other podcasts she liked. 

What are these "podcasts" you speak of?  Obviously, I had heard of podcasts but had never tuned in or even explored how to do so.  Wouldn't you know it - the iPhone has a whole app dedicated to them?! I found Rachel's podcast and others she recommended (How I Built This and School of Greatness come to mind) but I also just started poking around in there and finding all kinds of podcasts on productivity, leadership, happiness, organization, business and getting unstuck.  I started listening to a bunch of them (for me podcasts are hit or miss - the most wonderful content can be ruined by bad delivery) and found several that I liked and would often listen to during my commute.

At that point, though, I was mostly just absorbing content.  Even though I had the time to listen to the information during my commute, I continued to tell myself I didn't have the time to apply it. But I was starting to build up some good ideas.

My Roadmap to Change, Part 2 (AKA Meandering)

Let me start off by noting that my journey of self-improvement doesn't totally revolve around weight loss. I don't want to describe it as an unintended benefit, per se, but I will say that overall, deliberately changing my thought patterns and habits was the more important piece of the puzzle that led to good results in other areas as well. It just happens that my particular chain of events kicked off with a message that made me start to lose weight.

So, going back to the fall of 2017, I heard that message and it was motivational to me, I took it to heart and I started to be a lot more intentional about what I was eating and how much I was exercising.  I lost ten pounds in short order. I lost another five pounds shortly thereafter. I wish I could say the trend continued and I was just magically "fixed" but sometime shortly after the new year in 2018, I lost steam.  November through March is an incredibly busy time at my job and I just slowly lost the willpower to keep putting effort into myself. Once again, I increased my intake of fast food, Coca Cola and sugary Starbucks beverages.  I gained back the five pounds, then ten more after that, until I hit my birthday in 2018 and was right back where I started the year before.

After watching that Facebook video, though, I did start paying more attention to Rachel Hollis.  She had Facebook live streams that were pretty funny and motivational. I liked some of her podcast episodes as well. She had just written a book that hadn't come out yet, but she was promoting it.  She offered some helpful advice for things to do to help you realize your full potential.  I liked listening to her, but overall, I dismissed some of the stuff she was suggesting because I thought it was hard to get into, took too much time, or was meant for people other than me, etc.  In short, I became an occasional consumer of her content but wasn't really doing anything with it. Things carried on this way for several months.

My Roadmap to Change, Stop 1

Since I have referenced a couple of times that I am now actively working on retraining my brain to bypass its long-held negative beliefs, I thought I'd take some time to document how I got on this journey to begin with. I will say, I have generally always had an interest in psychology and self-help techniques, but I rarely took any real action (or enough real actions) to change myself. Things came to a head for me a few years back when I realized I was the most stressed out, overworked and overweight I had ever been. I had a short fuse with everybody.  Most things other people did seemed completely illogical, baffling and just plain wrong and I let those things get to me over and over. I knew things needed to change but I kept telling myself that I didn't even know where to start.

In the late summer of 2017, just after my birthday (and incidentally, a month or so before my 20th high school reunion), a friend shared a Rachel Hollis video on her Facebook page. It was called something like, "Why you can't lose weight." I had never heard of Rachel Hollis - I had no clue who she was or whether she had any business talking about weight loss. I clicked on the video because I was frustrated with my inability to lose the weight that I had been trying to lose since my kids were born (which, at that point, had happened over 10 years prior).

I expected to either hear something like, "you just have to burn more calories than you take in," or, maybe, "you need to hire a personal trainer and a dietician who can help you calculate your macros," blah blah blah.  And maybe her video did have suggestions like those, but the thing that really stood out to me - as if this video had been sent to me specifically - was the message that (to paraphrase) you need to drop your bullshit and get real about all the changes you're NOT making when you say you want to lose weight. As a person who used to work out at the Y and then be so hungry when I was done that I'd regularly stop at the only fast food restaurant (Taco Bell) between the gym and my house, that message, and her delivery of it (like, "friend, you are too smart to be acting this dumb!") really hit home for me. I went on to drop 10 pounds before my reunion a few weeks later. That message was a catalyst for all the changes that would come next.

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

I just read that the opposite of "Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy" is "Stressed Depressed Lemon Zest".  That makes me kind of sad. I am actively trying not to be a stressed, depressed lemon zest. It's not always easy. I spent years of my life looking for the downside to everything and finding ways to tell stories so that everybody would understand how bad things were for me. My brain is really well trained to do that. 

I am in the process of retraining my brain but sometimes it's more than happy to revert to its old habits. Some part of me is still a skeptic. I occasionally read or hear criticism of positive psychology that goes something like, "I'm a realist - I'm not just going to say that everything is fine all the time when it's not." I get it. That was me.  But, what I'm starting to realize is that many of the things I used to think were "wrong" were not really problems at all. And some things that are legitimate problems have really easy solutions. I wouldn't say I'm turning blissfully ignorant to all the problems in the world, I'm just changing my focus to the things I can control. And I'm starting to realize that I lost years of my life stressing -- obsessing, even -- about things over which I was powerless to influence in any way. As a result, I've made a decision to learn not to do that anymore.  Just like that - it was just a decision I made. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

What day is it, Mike?

Oh yeah, it's HumpDay!  We can do this!  Bringing home the end of the week like a boss.

Resolute

It's February. It's gray. It's cold. It snowed today. I haven't seen sunshine in something like 942 days.  I am not prone to exaggeration, it really is this bad. But then I saw a meme that said something like, "If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy but the same amount of snow." Touché. So, here are the good things that have happened today: I got outside and shoveled said snow. I got some fresh air and the temperature was actually pleasant and the snow was easy to shovel - not to mention that I have a tool that is purposely designed with shoveling snow in mind.  It is affordable, easy-to-use, and I own it! It was sitting right by the back door of my house. Also, I left my warm house wearing an appropriate amount of warm-weather clothes and I drove my car (which - get this - has HEATED! SEATS!) to a grocery store, which is literally filled with all kinds of food.  I bought a few things and was able to pay for them because my work magically sends money directly from their bank to mine every couple of weeks. I drove home on smoothly paved and recently plowed streets because I live in a town that stays on top of those things and all I have to do is pay them some money through my property taxes! I then brought my groceries into my home and put them away in my cabinets and refrigerator. A little while after that, I decided to take myself and my computer over to a coffee shop where I not only got to consume awesome and delicious coffee but I got to sit and browse the internet and then start writing this here message. While I was sitting here, Johnny Cash (I Walk the Line) came on the sound system, followed by Stevie Wonder (For Once in My Life), followed by Sam Cooke (Bring It On Home To Me)- three songs I love - it's like they are using one of my playlists!

One of my resolutions for 2020, and life in general, is to enjoy things more. I spent a lot of time just going through the motions for a lot of years. I have actually been working on finding more joy in my life for a little while now. I'm doing a pretty good job at it. One thing that I keep saying I want to do more, that I haven't done yet (save for a brief period last spring when I challenged myself to do it for a week or so) is write. I really do enjoy it. I'm not sure what all I'll be writing about, but I'm sure it will come to me. Welcome to 2020 (OK, this is a little belated). What are you working on this decade?   

As I mentioned just moments ago (go back and re-read - I'll wait...), I am trying to enjoy things more.  That means a lot of things to me. First of all, I am trying to slow down, not rush through life. I am taking time to open my eyes, look around and take in all the things around me. There is beauty all around. There is beauty in not burying my head in my iPhone screen. I am finding joy in just noticing this. It is loud in this coffee shop right now. I had earbuds in playing white noise for a while, but I took them out. Friends are talking and laughing with each other. Music is playing (a little too loud).  Kids are in here doing homework together. These things are all totally normal but I am totally enjoying noticing them. I don't need a lot of stuff to be happy, but since I happen to have a lot of stuff, I'm working on actively appreciating those things as well. 2020 is filled with all kinds of simple magic. I hope you are already enjoying some of it!

Be willing to be wrong

Imagine the following scenario: you are an excellent driver (obviously). You are driving excellently to work. You are on a road that is two lanes in each direction, with a speed limit of 45 miles per hour. Your superb navigation and execution skills have you purposefully driving in the left lane, not tailgating, at approximately 9.85 miles per hour over the posted speed limit, a rate generally accepted by local law enforcement types who seem to follow a “9 you’re fine, 10 you’re mine” rule. Things are going well. Suddenly, another driver is rapidly approaching from behind. He must be going 70. “In a 45!?!” you think. Next thing you know, he’s practically in your backseat.  

For a split second you think, “Just who does this guy think he is? I am an excellent driver, driving along at the fastest possible safe speed given the posted speed limit and I think I’m going to teach him a thing or two about patience,” but instead, you move over to the right lane to let him pass. A few moments later, you’re sitting there at the same red light. When the light turns green, however, the cars in his lane aren’t going fast enough for him, so he darts over into the right lane, right behind you, glued to you like a back pocket. He rides your bumper, just waiting for the first opportunity to dart back over to the left lane, ahead of the slow pack. 

As luck would have it, even though the right lane was faster out of the gate, the lead cars eventually catch up to one another, both deciding that 44 and 3/4 is just the right speed to drive side-by-side. Under normal circumstances, this would annoy you because, hey - there’s a lane for people who want to drive like that. But right now, you’re jonesing to get out of a spot you don’t want to be in, and the guy behind you is jonesing even harder. When you look in your rear view mirror, all you can see is his big dumb head, about to explode, as it were, because he is driving so close behind you. The car in front of you finally breaks free from its neighbor in the next lane and a spot opens for you to get through. You pull into it,  knowing you’re just going to have to pass and get back over in the right lane to free the beast behind you, which is not normally your style (see above re: your excellent driving). But, nonetheless, this is what you do to end the madness.

If you’re crazy like me, a scenario like the one above would have you reeling for the rest of the commute and probably into the first part of your day. “I had this asshole driving behind me who must have had someplace really important to be,” you lament to your coworker, who asked how you were in an effort to pass the time while waiting for coffee. But why do we let situations like that get to us?  I think it’s because deep down inside, we really, really want to be right. Other drivers usually affirm your rightness by getting in line behind you.  This guy, however, let it be known that you were wrong by his standards.

The driving scenario is just one illustration but the idea of wanting to be right is probably playing out all over your life. I know it is for me and it’s causing me strife and needless drama. What if you were willing to be wrong? “Oh, you want to drive faster? Go ahead of me.” “Oh, that’s how you load the dishwasher? The hot water and soap will probably still spray the dishes when they’re facing that direction.” “Oh, that’s how you’re going to tackle this project? That’s interesting - I hadn’t thought of it that way.” What if the world isn’t as black and white as your brain wants you to believe? What if there’s more than one way to be right? Gnaw on that a little bit. You might find yourself letting things go that once used to really get to you. 

Churning up something good!

Friends, it’s Friday! Can we just take a moment to celebrate a few awesome things? First of all, my honey and I got to take a solo trip (without our kids!) to Austin last fall. I attended a conference for work and we he came along for an adventure. It was really our first getaway without the kids since, well, ever!  Also, this shadow across the top of the picture means I didn’t get the perfect picture I hoped for, but it also means the sun was shining! We showed up in Austin during and unusual cold and rainy spell but on our last day in town, it was sunny and warmer. Lastly, butter - amIright?!? It’s amazing.  

Want what you’ve got

I know it’s cliche to say it’s not about getting what you want, it’s about wanting what you have, but I’m going to say it anyway. You have to remember to keep wanting the things you already have. We are constantly bombarded with the idea that we have to keep accumulating things and wealth and status to live the American Dream and keep up with the Joneses. It’s so ingrained in our culture that we live in a perpetual state of never being satisfied. We just keep telling ourselves, “If I can just achieve the next goal, then I’ll be happy.” Upgrade, upgrade, upgrade. 

But it’s so important to remember that most of the things you have right now are things you once really wanted. Do not forget that, and better yet, remember to celebrate the fact that you were able to get something you actively worked for. I completed an exercise recently in which the assignment was to make a detailed list of things I want out of life.  The instructions indicated that most people, when they do this, make an entire list of things they don’t have. Instead, strive to have every second or third item on the list be something you already have. 

Normally, when I stumble upon exercises like this, I give them a little thought, maybe start a list in my head, maybe even think, “I should write this down...nah, too much work.”  For whatever reason, this time I wrote it down on paper. I made a list of 25 things I want from life. 12 of them are things I already have (e.g., to be married, to have two kids, to own a bitchin’ bungalow, to have a pet cat, to drive the car I drive, to have an awesome front porch, etc.). Another few other items on the list are things I’m already working toward but haven’t fully achieved yet. The remaining items are things I want but don’t yet know when or how I will get them. 

This idea was a game changer for me. For years and years, I would sit around feeling bad about all the things I wanted that I didn’t have. It never, ever occurred to me that I already had a whole bunch of things I wanted. It also did not occur to me that the mere thought, “I really want X but I don’t have it” feels bad, while “I want X and I’ve got it” feels good. It’s really easy to take the things we do have for granted but I promise it feels so much more satisfying to continue to acknowledge the things in your life that you actively sought and subsequently received. Even if you ultimate decide that you want to replace some of the things on your list, do take a moment to recognize the value the original thing brought to your life (as in, “I was so glad to have lived this apartment that fit into my budget and was conveniently located. Now I’m ready to move into a house.” or maybe even, “this job had its ups and downs but I’m thankful that it helped me identify some characteristics that are important to find in my next job”).

One last thought on this - I want to put it out there that it’s completely possible - and in some cases, advisable -  to change your thoughts on a subject to improve how you feel. I’ll give you an example from my life: last year, I was fortunate enough to replace my old car with a new one. My old car was red, and I loved that about it. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which was that I wasn’t finding a red version of the car I wanted to buy with the features I was looking for, I ended up purchasing a gray car this time around. It’s a great car and I love so many things about it but it wasn’t long before I was spotting red versions of it on the road and eyeing them longingly. Honestly, it didn’t feel so great to be thinking I should’ve looked harder for a red car while I still owe a boatload of money on a gray car. So, I put an end to it. Here’s how I think about it now: I bought the exact car I was supposed to buy. I love it, I’m lucky to have it, and I’m going to drive it for as long as I can. When I’m done with it, the next car I buy will be red. It’s far more satisfying to be pleased with what I do have than to wish I had something different. 

Now, I realize this example is fine when you have the luxury of choice but plenty of times in life, things come along and slap you upside the head and you don’t get any real say in the matter. I’m not suggesting anybody should go around reminding themselves how glad they are to have been laid off or how wonderful it is that their mom has cancer. But I do know that I have been through a lot of shitty things in life and there are positive things in my life right now that I would not have had but for living through the shitty things. I do think it’s possible to acknowledge the shitty things for the lessons they are teaching or the skills they are building. And I do think it’s possible to want to experience the lows in life so that you get to feel the full effect of the highs, if that makes sense. In the meantime, maybe start with something simpler and build up momentum before moving on to the more existential questions. 

Rule 32

If you’ve ever seen Zombieland, you may remember the running list of rules the main character has developed to help him survive the zombie apocalypse (side note: if you haven’t seen this movie, do).  I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest most of the rules are also applicable to surviving everyday life. (Although, to be fair, haven’t we all kind of evolved into iPhone-addicted drudges over the last decade, staring into our tiny screens all the live-long day? We’ve created our own form of Zombieland, but I digress). I’d like to call your attention, for a moment, to Rule 32: Enjoy the Little Things. We should all strive to remember this one. 

One of the little things, for me, is stationery - paper products, journals and the likes. I don’t really know why, I’m just drawn to them. If I’m trying to let my heart be happy, I know a surefire way is to march my butt into the paper aisle of any local establishment peddling such wares. Oddly, though, when I do buy a journal or notebook, I often find myself reluctant to actually use it. It’s so beautiful and pristine without my crap in it - why ruin perfectly crisp paper? Strange, I know. In the end, I usually buy the notebooks, scribble down a few thoughts in them, and then throw them away a few years later when I come across them again and discover they're tainted with a few pages worth of my useless old thoughts. 

In an effort to enjoy the little things and celebrate small victories, though, I am pleased to report that I recently filled an entire journal, beginning to end, for the first time in my life! By and large, it was a gratitude journal, with a few other thoughts interspersed here and there. I don’t know if I’ll ever crack it open again, but if I do, I will find it is filled with over 1,000 things I was grateful for in late 2018/early 2019 - over 1,000 little things I enjoyed. If you’ve ever contemplated keeping a gratitude journal but haven’t gotten around to it (like me, for the past decade). I do highly recommend it. I started writing down 10 things per day that I am grateful for. Coming up with 10 is sometimes a challenge, but it has definitely gotten me into the habit of routinely scanning the world for the little things. 

Fix all the things!

Sometimes inspiration strikes and I find myself striving to improve in all areas of my life. I want to be a better wife, mom, daughter, friend, employee, neighbor and citizen. I am going to get thinner, smarter, less indebted, more well-rounded, happier and taller. And at the same time as I’m improving in every way, I am going to learn to love myself as-is. I’ll be the same old me, but with a cleaner house, shinier hair, a discernible muscle (or two!) and a greater sense of clarity and purpose. This really does not seem like too much to ask. 

Now, I do say some of that in jest but as I begin to reflect upon nearly four decades of life, I do actually find myself inspired to improve. But it’s a different kind of inspiration this time, I think.  As it turns out, I might be kind of a cool human being. At least, I think so.  So, now comes the part where I stop treating myself like a big old piece of crap and start shedding layers of bullshit like self-loathing, shame, guilt, self-pity, doubt. Don’t get me wrong, I have always thought I was a pretty decent version of humans, on the balance. But I also always thought that you weren’t allowed to think something good about yourself without thinking at least one bad thing about yourself to balance it out. What the what? How on earth is this a helpful thing we’re taught to believe by our families, our culture, our religions? 

Instead, I’m going to be trying out a new belief. I’ve decided to believe it’s pretty useless to sit around collecting reasons why I suck. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll just be over here, not sucking anymore. And, because I’ll be busy not sucking anymore, I think I’m going to have to dispense with all the ways punish myself for sucking. It’s going to take practice to keep believing this new belief and it might take the next 40 years to unload the bad habits but that’s ok, I don’t think there’s a deadline. 

[tap][tap] Is this thing on?

Ahem.

Kristentatious here, reporting live from 2019!  Hello world; I’m still alive and I’ve made it this far! I occasionally think about how I miss writing and then I promptly do nothing about it. “Maybe I should blow the dust off the old Wit Spot,” I think to myself. So, here I am with a leaf blower. You know me - always busting out the leaf blower when a pair of bellows would work just fine. Have a Monday, you guys. Let’s see where the day takes us!

If you've ever been a lady to begin with

Let me preface this by saying the following complaint belongs squarely in the "things I really shouldn't give a damn about but instead I find myself immensely annoyed by" category. Probably if you were to write a book about this particular irritation of mine, you would title the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."  And yet, it annoys me nonetheless. 

As a person who was had the pleasure of being involved with two separate productions of Guys and Dolls, I find myself really, ridiculously irritated when people misuse the phrase, "luck be a lady tonight."  No, seriously. And it happens more often than you'd think, too!

Over the years, on numerous occasions I've heard men use that phrase in a context that implies they hope to meet a woman and hook up. But really, if people would just listen to the damn song lyrics they would understand that it has nothing to do with taking some chick home at the end of the night. What "luck be a lady" really means is that luck has been on your side lately and you want it to be ladylike and stick with you, loyally and faithfully.  Maybe the song should have been called, "luck be a golden retriever" or, "luck don't run out on me now," except those phrases don't have quite the same ring to them. 

In conclusion, based on what I know about the meaning of the phrase, I can only assume these people prefer their luck cold, creamy and delicious:

But shoe shopping is supposed to be fun!

One of the most frustrating things about getting older is that fashion keeps changing and I don't. I feel like I am increasingly asked to embrace hideous, tacky and ridiculous clothing as acceptable wardrobe choices. Skinny jeans. High waisted, pleated short shorts. Leggings as pants. Short, wide shirts. Gladiator sandals. Pastel anything. No. I used to have more patience when I was younger but now shopping is just an exercise in pure frustration. Everything's ugly, nothing fits and I can't afford any of it anyway. 

But shoe shopping....that's another story. Shoes don't care if you gained 5 pounds. I can reliably pick out two shoe sizes and one of them will fit. But guys, what is going on with shoes?!?  I just spent over an hour in DSW, and my experience went roughly like this: "Too ugly. Too flat. Ick. Who would wear that?  Way too tall. So cheaply made. Looks like something an old lady would wear. Looks like something I had as a kid. OH MY GOD SO CUTE. Oh, Michael Kors...can't afford them." And so on, up and down every damn aisle of that store. 

Two common themes I noticed: 1) huarache sandals. I had a bunch of those in the 80s. Is it wrong that I don't want to dress like a seven-year-old version of me anymore?  2) Sandals that look like mini personal jail cells for your feet. I just want a cute pair of sandals, dammit!  

I did find these, though I didn't buy them because they didn't fit my parameters (they were neither multipurpose nor sandals). But, come on, black and white pretty much goes with anything, right?

Song Burst

Does anybody remember that game SongBurst from back in the 1900's?  Where you got some lyrics and had to finish singing the song? I think I owned it in junior high or high school and of course it was right up my alley because I have so many song lyrics stored in my brain that I'm pretty sure they're taking up space that could be used for legitimate memories or knowledge. Bursting into song spontaneously is a regular occurrence for me. Sometimes without realizing I'm doing it. Oftentimes in response to a statement or question that reminds me of a song. I'm sure it's not annoying at all and that it has never caused my husband to want to wring my neck. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I was sitting at Starbucks this afternoon, sipping my iced coffee, when the baristas spontaneously burst into a round of Montell Jordan's This Is How We Do It. After a few moments of that, one barista chimed in, "No guys, this is how we BREW it."  It was super cute, of course (well, to me, at least).  But, more than that, it made me miss having fun at work. 

Now, don't get me wrong--enjoying the occasional laugh with my current set of coworkers is basically all that keeps me sane. But are there people who manage to make their work consistently fun?  Even if the nature of their work is inherently unfun?  I'm sure, in part, it's just a mindset, like happiness. How do I reintroduce fun into my work, and into my life generally?  And where the hell did it go for so long?  I swear I used to be a fun person!  I have song lyric knowledge to prove it!